


Summerstuck Book 1 Act 1: Trouble in the Tri-Planetary Area

by LooneyMooney



Series: Summerstuck [1]
Category: Hiveswap, Homestuck, Phineas and Ferb, Phineas and Ferb: Star Wars
Genre: ... kinda, Alternate Universe - Trolls, Amputation, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Canon Disabled Character, Canon-Typical Violence, Canon-typical shenanigans, Doofenshmirtz-typical disasters, Explosions, F/F, F/M, Faked Suicide, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Gen, Ghosts, Homestuck References, I'm putting this under the starwars tag cuz this has a very similar flavor to that, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Perry the Platybeast Lusus, Quadrant Confusion, Quadrant Vacillation, The tri-state area is now the tri-planetary area, all kinds of scifi bullshit, can ghosts commit suicide?, don't worry he's still smart, everyone's names are trollified, for both Phineas and Ferb AND Homestuck, if you like space and aliens and stuff you're in the right place, it gets pretty wild you guys, it's kinda like star trek gone rogue, just wanna cover all my bases here, murders, only weirder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-03-02 22:02:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13327272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LooneyMooney/pseuds/LooneyMooney
Summary: Your name is DOCTOR HEINZZ DOOFNZ and you are ABOUT TO DIE.Your moirail has betrayed you. He’s exposed you as a mutant to the Empress, and now you are GOING TO DIE.There’s only one possible solution to all this... One last desperate, crazy idea......What if the cast of Phineas and Ferb were Homestuck Trolls? The clash of two equally weird universes gives birth to the fanfic that nobody thought to ask for. If you want political intrigue, quadrant confusion, tragic backstories, crazy inventions, and more weirdness than should be physically possible, than this is the series for you.





	1. Chapter 1

Your name is DOCTOR HEINZZ DOOFNZ and you are ABOUT TO DIE.

Your moirail has betrayed you. He’s exposed you as a mutant to the Empress, forcing you to flee society in a desperate attempt to escape execution.

As soon as you realized what he’d done, you rushed to the nearest spaceship and fled the Empress’s system. The threshecutioners are on your tail, and they won’t stop until they’ve culled their traitor.

You had a good life. Before this betrayal, you had successfully hidden your mutations behind a series of physical augmentations, and had managed to become a prominent scientific leader. Against all odds, you had managed to fill almost all your quadrants with high-ranking, respectable members of Troll society. Not that the prestige of your quadrants ever really mattered much to you, but it was an accomplishment, considering the fact that you had feared culling since wrigglerhood. Attorney Charlene was a good matesprit; she loved you, pitied you and protected you, and despite your... everything, her pity was genuine. You wonder if she’ll try and defend you. She probably will. Despite knowing how good she is at what she does, you know she’ll probably fail.

Your husktop lights up. The screen flashes with a new message -

 

MERCIFUL ATTORNEY (MA) started trolling STRUDEL CUTIE (SC)

MA: Heinzz, are you okay? (an you (all me?

STRUDEL CUTIE (SC) blocked MERCIFUL ATTORNEY (MA)

 

You swallow back your own pity. It’s for her own good - you were never that great a matesprit anyway, she deserves better than a mutantblooded exile.

As soon as you block her, the husktop lights up again-

 

ROTTEN SCIENTIST (RS) started trolling STRUDEL CUTIE (SC)

RS: Heinzz, you Cowa{d, this is getting {idiculous! Get back to LOVEMUFFINS headquarte{s immediately and face me like a man.

 

Rodney (Technically his adult title was Aloyse Everheart Elisabeth Otto Wolfgang Hypatia Gunther Galen Gary Cooper Von Roddenstein, but you refuse to call him that. He should have given himself a less ridiculous title if he wanted to be taken seriously, and the wrigglername infuriated him, which is always a bonus when dealing with your kismesis) was your kismesis, but it might be to him that you owe the most. The two of you were the cofounders of LOVEMUFFINS (League of Vivacious Empire Municipals United For Forging Inventions in New Science), a collection of geniuses dedicated to advancing the technology of the empire, a group that you had originally created together, knowing that you both worked best when trying to one-up eachother. He’s right. You are a coward. But you’re a coward with a survival instinct.

 

STRUDEL CUTIE (SC) blocked ROTTEN SCIENTIST (RS)

CIVIL LEADER (CL) started trolling STRUDEL CUTIE (SC)

CL: Heinzz, please. This is all a big misunderstanding. Attorney Charlene’s worried sick, and Professor Rodney says you’ve blocked him. This isn’t like you. Come home. I’m sure if we all work together, we’ll be able to work something out.

STRUDEL CUTIE (SC) blew up.

CL: Oh my god, Heinzz!


	2. Chapter 2

The Threshecutioners are right on your tail. You only have one shot at this.

Making sure your spacesuit is properly secured, you put the spaceship on autopilot and place the dummy corpse in the driver’s seat. It’s a horribly burned rustblood left over from a LOVEMUFFINS experiment - it’ll do.

 

You open the airlock, activate the cloaking mechanism of your spacesuit, and brace yourself. You’ll only get one shot at this.

You press the self-destruct button.

You're in space, so the explosion has no sound. Just a flash of impossible, scorching light. Deadly silent, you’re propelled outwards, your screams lost to the void. But you can’t just keep screaming - you must survive.

 

Lucky for you, this sector of space is fairly busy with cargo holds and shipment vessels, all going below lightspeed to yield to the threshecutioners, so it’s not difficult to attach yourself to a random ship and deploy your infiltrate-inator. A bubble surrounds you as you attach the device to the side of the ship, creating a makeshift airlock. Lasers spin, melting a troll-sized hole into the ship’s bridge - it’s a personal craft, meant for a single troll to live in and pilot. It’s also purple and green, which is a bonus.

 

As you crawl on board, you notice a psionic at the pilot seat. Uh Oh.


	3. Intermission 1

Your name is DELIVERY PAULGUY. You are a mustardblooded psionic, but you’re not a bigshot ship generator or anything. Though you’re not quite powerful enough to power one of the Empress’s spaceships, you can generate just enough constant energy to run your little shipping service. You’re a good guy. You deliver the packages, and you follow the rules. That’s why when a Threshecutioner chase starts taking place in one of your usual delivery routes, you slow down to below light speed and come to a complete stop in order to give the Threshecutioners the right of way.

You watch the purple spaceship race away from the Threshecutioner. That guy’s got style: too bad he’s gonna get culled. But hey, that’s what happens when you don’t follow the rules.

Oh my god, did that ship just blow up?

 

You’re too busy watching the brilliant explosion to notice the small blur of an invisible troll in a spacesuit enter your field, but you’re jerked back to the present moment when that same blur attaches itself to the hull of your ship.

Whatever it is, it’s inside now - you turn around, to see something, tall, dark, ominous, with a head almost as sharp as it’s horns. It looks at you with impossibly bright red eyes.

Mutant. That must be the guy the Threshecutioners were chasing -

Because you’re a NICE guy, you FOLLOW THE  R U L E S, and the rules say you should call this in, so you reach for your radio -

 

Pain. Then nothing. Then...


	4. Chapter 4

Open Dialoguelog

Heinzz: Holy shit

Close Dialoguelog

 

There is now a dead psionic in your ship. You know that, logically, his ghost must still be around, because the ship’s still running with power. Unfortunately, you’re not a rustblood, so you can’t communicate with the troll you just killed that is now haunting your getaway ship.

You want to say that this is bad, but...

At least he can’t use the radio, right?

... Right?

Oh fuck it, you better cover all your bases just in case. Afterlife science was never your strong suit.

 

Open Dialoguelog

Heinzz: Hey, uh, electric... ghosty... dude? ... Sorry I, um, murdered you. But you see, I’m, I’m kiiiind of on the run, and you almost ruined my getaway plan. I mean, sheesh, it’s bad enough that I have to cut off all ties to the Empire, that’s like. Our species’ entire society. But hey, why am I complaining, you’re the guy that’s dead. Again, sorry about that, I’ll make it up to you. I mean, I’m not sure HOW I’ll make it up to you, but... hey, maybe I should get you like, an ouija board or something, so we can like actually talk. I hear that you gotta be pretty careful around those things though, they can invite like, all the spirits. I should really get a book about this, see how I can like, make things better for you and all that. But hey, I’m getting off topic. See, my name is Doctor Heinzz Doofnz, but my superior officers tend to call me Doctor Doofenshmirtz! I guess cuz it sounds more ADULT than just Doctor Doofnz, but hey, what do I know. My pals just call me Doctor D though, my quadrantmates call me Heinzz, but I guess I don’t have any quadrantmates anymore since I just faked my death and cut loose all ties to troll society and all... You know what, you can call me whatever you want, it’s not like I’ll be able to hear you or anything, so you know. Knock yourself out. Actually, I ... I hope you don’t mind, but I kinda, up, need this ship to keep myself from getting culled, it um, looks like the threshecutioners fell for my self destruct button trick, so can I...? Borrow this? Yes, no, maybe...? You know, we REALLY gotta get you an ouija board, I mean this is getting kinda awkward. You know what, how about I take care of your ship in exchange for letting me use it to escape my doom, and I can give you like a proper burial and everything, so it all works out for the both of us! Don’t worry, I’m kiiiind of an engineering genius, so I can take care of this puppy no sweat. So, uh... What do you say?

Close dialoguelog

 

The ship hums to life and coordinates are set, for...

 

Open dialoguelog

Heinzz: The Tri-Planetary Area? Isn’t that where wrigglers come from? That’s... That’s perfect! An entire solar system, populated with nothing but kids and lusii... And not a single adult for miles! Oh, thank you, ghost ship person! And don’t worry, I promise I’ll get you an ouija board so I can get your real name. I think I have one on Drusselstein in my old Hive, we should make a pit stop before going further inwards.

Close Dialoguelog

 

And so, you and the ghost of Delivery Paulguy begin a crazy journey towards a new and exciting life and/or afterlife. What could possibly go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time on Summerstuck: Things go wrong


	5. Intermission 2

MAJOR MONOGRAM (MM) started trolling PERRY PLATYBEAST (PP)

MM: Agent P, report.

PERRY PLATYBEAST (PP) has entered the chatroom.

MM: An unscheduled ship is entering the Tri-Planetary Area. We suspect it Might be piloted by an adult troll. Investigate the situation and report back iMMediately.

PP: 

MAJOR MONOGRAM (MM) stopped trolling PERRY PLATYBEAST (PP)

 

Your name is PERRY THE PLATYBEAST, AKA AGENT P. You are the highest ranking field agent in the Rebel Organization Without a Good Acronym (ROWCA), an organization formed to counter the reign of the Empress. You are also a lusus. This means that you are only suitable for assignments within the Tri-Planetary Area, a solar system which consists of three planets and four moons, all revolving around the scorching star of Skaia. 

The closest planet to the sun, Beforus, is where you are now. This planet has only one moon, and is known for being the brightest planet. It is also the least monitored of the planets, making it perfect for ROWCA headquarters.

The next planet in the system, Alternia, is also the biggest and most densely populated. Alternia had been colonized generations ago, during the reign of a previous Empress at the dawn of space travel technology. She had raised a mother Grub here, and fostered a planet that had at the time been a symbol of innovation and prosperity. It had since become a diverse and colorful urban landscape, populated only by children and their lusii, suffocating under its own classism.

The last planet is Drusselstein. A harsh and hostile environment, the planet used to be seen as an inhabitable - but with the rapidly increasing population of the expanding empire came the need for more nursery space, so the most recent Empress planted a mother grub in one of the bat-infested caves and relocated some lusii to fend for themselves as well as the resulting wrigglers. You’ve been there a few times, and the experience has always left you slightly traumatized, wondering how in the universe anyone could survive here, much less an infant troll during the 8-10 sweeps it takes for your average troll to fully mature.

 

You set your starcruiser to lightspeed and settle in for the five hour trip to Drusselstein.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to post this... It took me the longest time to figure out how to make this plot point happen, you guys.

Your name is Delivery Paulghost. You would say that you’re a nice guy who plays by the rules, but... you’re not so sure anymore. As your name would suggest, you are a ghost, haunting (and powering) the ship which now belongs to your murderer, Doctor Heinzz Doofnz. You recognised that name - he showed up on the grubscreens constantly, always presenting some new war machine or another to help advance the empire. The man was a genius, someone who by all means should also have been considered a “nice guy” himself - heck, he was MORE than just a nice guy, he was the FOUNDER of LOVEMUFFIN, a society which pushed the scientific abilities of the empire towards true greatness. And yet, here he was, in what used to be your ship, fleeing the empire he had dedicated his life to advancing. 

 

“Oh, hey, look! We’re almost at Drusselstein~ Now we can get you that ouija board, and we can have an actual conversation for once! Instead of just, you know, me  _ rambling _ at you all the time.”

 

You didn’t know what to think anymore. You weren’t sure you  _ wanted to  _ think anymore. 

 

“You know, this might be weird to say, but I... I’m glad we found eachother. I mean, I’m not glad I killed you, obviously, but I’m glad it was YOU I ended up spending my exile with and not some other ghost guy. Because, you? You’re a nice guy.”

 

You’re not so sure you  _ want  _ to be a nice guy anymore.

 

“Um, electroghost? We’re... We’re not slowing down...!”

 

You just wanted to move on.

 

“We’re going to crash!”

 

You heard a rumor, once, that even ghosts could die on Drusselstein. You hope it’s true.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in a while!

Your name is PERRY THE PLATYBEAST, AKA AGENT P. You are approximately 30 light seconds away from the Planet Drusselstein, your starcruiser in camouflage mode. You can see a delivery ship in the distance, the one supposedly being piloted by the Adult Troll. You sit up a little and stretch from the hours-long journey - you need to be ready for action.

 

Wait - what’s he doing?

 

You watch in disbelief as the ship barrels through the planet’s atmosphere, on a suicidal crash course with the planet’s surface. Did the adult troll come all this way just to die? 

 

...

 

You refuse to let that happen. 

 

Years of secret agent training kick in as you flip the switches of your starcruiser - it’s going to be tough, saving this idiot without him knowing you’re there, but you weren’t ROWCA’s top agent for nothing. You hover over the crashing ship, the fumes starting to obscure your vision - so you start to rely on your bill’s sixth sense to detect the organic electricity flowing through the ship itself. There’s a troll-sized beacon of stronger energy, no doubt the adult you’re trying to tail, running around the ship in a panic. Okay, so  _ not _ suicidal, just moronic. You roll your eyes and activate your electromagnet, trying to slow the ship’s descent. It doesn’t do much - now you’re crashing too. 

 

Shoot.

 

Okay, no big deal, you just need more resistance. You deploy the parachutes - they burn up in the atmosphere.  _ Fuck _ . You turn your lightspeed engines backwards, but only at half capacity - you can’t risk full lightspeed at this high a velocity - you can’t go any faster without risking tearing the damaged spaceship in half. 

 

You’re 50 units above the planet’s surface. At this rate, you are all going to die. 

 

Wait - what’s that? Oh shit -!

 

You crash into a wingbeast. It dies instantly.  _ What the actual fuck??? _

 

But, wait - you notice that the wingbeast corpse is actually slowing the crash - the massive leather wings acting as a parachute. You quickly deploy a gel gun and shoot it at the wing’s joints, in an attempt to accelerate rigor mortis and keep the makeshift parachute corpse from falling apart. Fire, smoke, and rust-colored blood surround the crashing ship, but at least now it’s crashing slower. You detach your starcruiser from the wreck, hovering about 20 units from the planet’s surface, and pray to the powers that be that this insane troll somehow survives without killing anything else. 


End file.
